In the end...

...it doesn't even matter. How many times have we used to tell others caught in unfortunate predicaments that there is always a silver a lining to it. It doesnt actually make the person at the receiving end of the comment feel any better. But it sure does make the commenter better. 'Ada hikmah disebaliknya'. It's good to have a strong belief during moments that you feel miserable, suffocated by the current situation. Keeps you from going insane. Keeps you away from that 10th floor window or balcony or the edge of a cliff or whatever that would result in you thinking that by doing so would relinquish all those heavy burden that you are forced to accept, for a moment, at least until you realize that you are about to face plant yourself onto the hard earth below and...

This mental fatigue of mine...it just wont go away. Not right now nor anytime soon. But it would definitely reach an end. Riding my kapcai at least makes me feel a little sense of freedom, being alive and feeling the rushing air, although sometimes when the problems in life manages to creep in during my rides, buzzing my mind, making my body feel numb, the back of that trailer...

Even the sky seems to be mourning...tears from the heavens...but ride I still on my kapcai, not the least bothered of being drenched...squeezing the throttle more and more. The road ahead becomes a blur, the view on my side mirror...

People say that when one is unable to finish one's line of thought, its a sign of stress and depression. The mind is running wild, too many things to think about at the same time but unable to satisfy all those questions, could not find a resolution.

But I'm not suicidal

I'm not suicidal

not suicidal

As paranoia sets in...

Tired.

Can't even begin to describe the kind of fatigue I'm feeling currently.

Its the kind that swallows you whole, consumes every bit of energy that you still have. Both mental and physical. Just brutal.

At times I wish I could just drop everything and escape it all. But I know that's not possible. I drag myself everyday to work, feeling my will being tortured with every single step, and feeling battered and brutally beaten at the end of everyday.

I have never imagined that the path I've chosen was damned from the very beginning. During these moments I wish I had the ability to foresee the future and remain where I was. It was an opportunity of a lifetime, that now I feel like it's a mistake of a lifetime. With all the ups and downs that you would normally find between the pages of a bestselling paperback, I found out that its my current reality. Its proven now that walking the path is most definitely not the same as knowing the path.

I am tested at every corner that I don't know how long I could last further. When is the last straw before I crack. I dread for it till it comes. How I wish that it wont ever , but every single day proves to be the opposite.

What's it like being a caged bird?

Don't forget the bikers...lest they forget about themselves...

This is a public reminder, when at a junction, be sure it's safe to GO, before you make someone GO on to their next life...

A little bit of poetry: Usman Awang

Another beautiful piece by Usman Awang

Guru Oh Guru

Dialah pemberi paling setia
Tiap akar ilmu miliknya
Pelita dan lampu segala
Untuk manusia sebelum menjadi dewasa.

Dialah ibu dialah bapa juga sahabat
Alur kesetiaan mengalirkan nasihat
Pemimpin yang ditauliahkan segala umat
Seribu tahun katanya menjadi hikmat.

Jika hari ini seorang Perdana Menteri berkuasa
Jika hari ini seorang Raja menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini seorang Presiden sebuah negara
Jika hari ini seorang ulama yang mulia
Jika hari ini seorang peguam menang bicara
Jika hari ini seorang penulis terkemuka
Jika hari ini siapa saja menjadi dewasa;
Sejarahnya dimulakan oleh seorang guru biasa
Dengan lembut sabarnya mengajar tulis-baca.

Di mana-mana dia berdiri di muka muridnya
Di sebuah sekolah mewah di Ibu Kota
Di bangunan tua sekolah Hulu Terengganu
Dia adalah guru mewakili seribu buku;
Semakin terpencil duduknya di ceruk desa
Semakin bererti tugasnya kepada negara.

Jadilah apa pun pada akhir kehidupanmu, guruku
Budi yang diapungkan di dulang ilmu
Panggilan keramat "cikgu" kekal terpahat
Menjadi kenangan ke akhir hayat.

I love the last paragraph...how many of us still remember and visit our teachers?

p/s: Pak Sugiarto, Pak Izzi, Dr. N ... jasamu ku kenang ke akhir hayat...Thank you...

A little bit of poetry: Usman Awang

Melayu

oleh

Usman Awang a.k.a Tongkat Warrant (1929 - 2001)


Melayu itu orang yang bijaksana
Nakalnya bersulam jenaka
Budi bahasanya tidak terkira
Kurang ajarnya tetap santun
Jika menipu pun masih bersopan
Bila mengampu bijak beralas tangan

Melayu itu berani jika bersalah
Kecut takut kerana benar
Janji simpan di perut
Selalu pecah di mulut
Biar mati adat
Jangan mati anak

Melayu di Tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu, Bugis itu Melayu
Banjar juga disebut Melayu,
Minangkabau memang Melayu,
Keturunan Acheh adalah Melayu,
Jakun dan Sakai asli Melayu,
Arab dan Pakistani, semua Melayu
Mamak dan Malbari serap ke Melayu
Malah mua'alaf bertakrif Melayu
(Setelah disunat anunya itu)

Dalam sejarahnya
Melayu itu pengembara lautan
Melorongkan jalur sejarah zaman
Begitu luas daerah sempadan
Sayangnya kini segala kehilangan

Melayu itu kaya falsafahnya
Kias kata bidal pusaka
Akar budi bersulamkan daya
Gedung akal laut bicara

Malangnya Melayu itu kuat bersorak
Terlalu ghairah pesta temasya
Sedangkan kampung telah tergadai
Sawah sejalur tinggal sejengkal
Tanah sebidang mudah terjual

Meski telah memiliki telaga
Tangan masih memegang tali
Sedang orang mencapai timba
Berbuahlah pisang tiga kali
Melayu itu masih bermimpi

Walaupun sudah mengenal universiti
Masih berdagang di rumah sendiri
Berkelahi cara Melayu
Menikam dengan pantun
Menyanggah dengan senyum
Marahnya dengan diam
Merendah bukan menyembah
Meninggi bukan melonjak

Watak Melayu menolak permusuhan
Setia dan sabar tiada sempadan
Tapi jika marah tak nampak telinga
Musuh dicari ke lubang cacing
Tak dapat tanduk telinga dijinjing
Maruah dan agama dihina jangan
Hebat amuknya tak kenal lawan

Berdamai cara Melayu indah sekali
Silaturrahim hati yang murni
Maaf diungkap senantiasa bersahut
Tangan diulur sentiasa bersambut
Luka pun tidak lagi berparut

Baiknya hati Melayu itu tak terbandingkan
Selaga yang ada sanggup diberikan
Sehingga tercipta sebuah kiasan:
"Dagang lalu nasi ditanakkan
Suami pulang lapar tak makan
Kera di hutan disusu-susukan
Anak di pangkuan mati kebuluran"

Bagaimanakah Melayu abad dua puluh satu
Masihkan tunduk tersipu-sipu ?
Jangan takut melanggar pantang
Jika pantang menghalang kemajuan;
Jangan segan menentang larangan
Jika yakin kepada kebenaran;
Jangan malu mengucapkan keyakinan
Jika percaya kepada keadilan

Jadilah bangsa yang bijaksana
Memegang tali memegang timba
Memiliki ekonomi mencipta budaya
Menjadi tuan di negara Merdeka

I think it sums up quite well what a 'melayu' means... orang melayu, bila bersumpah untuk berjanji kata mereka... biar pecah diperut, jangan pecah dimulut...tetapi selalunya apabila mengucapkan akuan sumpah, lebih kepada mulut manis, hati berkait...kalau ada untungnya pecah dimulut takkan disimpan diperut