chocolates...

on the way back home from work yesterday, i stopped at a gas station near the highway. why did i stop? it wasn't for gas. still had two trips more in the tank. it was the other tank that needed filling. i was thirsty. walked inside the store and went straight to the chiller. followed the guideline of selecting what you want first prior to opening the door, i found what i wanted. grabbed a bottle of gatorade and immediately went to the payment counter. but as i was walking towards it...something caught my attention...dunkin doughnuts...made a U-turn towards it instead. had to have one of those...they were really calling me "i'm delicious!..i'm creamy and sweet"...for 2 seconds i gave some serious thought about my expanding waist line. its still ok...i think i'm in good shape. so just having one wouldn't hurt. took one of those chocolate doughnuts...close the door...but...one more would be better...2 for the road i guess...

made the payment, went back into the car...just wished i had tunnel vision earlier, "go towards the chiller ONLY..ignore other products..!" so much for that happening. started my journey back home again while happily munching those lovelies...yum..can't get enough of them. felt like a kid. the driver of the car next to me looked towards me..i noticed, but i didn't look back..so what? i love chocolates!

tranquil white...

nothing much happened early in the day except for the fact that it seems its becoming a habit of me to wake up early in morning at 4AM. it's become a welcomed surprise in fact. but maybe its a sign of old age catching up. some of my uncles mentioned it once. elder people need less and less sleep. should i take that as an indication? anyway, waking up early has its benefits. one things for sure, its more peaceful. i woke up this morning and did some reading. its been awhile since i did some serious reading, and then taking notes and compiling them. and at that time, it was easy. no distracting sound. no 'mat rempit' making noise with their bikes without proper exhaust system. total tranquility. not just that, it seems you become more focused at work too.

maybe the brain is just like a car engine. you have to let it warm up for a few minutes in the morning before you start your journey to work. sticking with this routine might help prevent a 'morning brain shock' when coming to work, or even when you get stuck in traffic. maybe people who have road rage in the morning is due to the fact that they got out of bed late. the alarm screaming in their ears...waking up still feeling a bit tired, and the shirt is yet to be ironed, "...where's my trouser's?", "i need breakfast..", "oh my look at the time...i'm going to be late..." will be the standard dialogue plus the compulsary cursing and swearing of course.

while driving to work today i saw something that i haven't seen for quite some time. at 7:15am, along the highway near where i live, there was mist...white..tranquil mist...what a lovely sight...last time i saw that view was at my in-laws house. and it was no surprise because they lived in a remote area surrounded by hills and lush greenery. but seeing it occur here, was fantastic. in a location where heavy development is occuring, some of nature's beauty can still be found.

Grey matters

the events of last thursday and friday taught me a lot about being a man. stand up for your right, stand up and face your fears and guilt. never run away and be a chicken. whatever it is, i believe it's on the way to being settled. and at least i would be able to sleep better from now on. today is another new week. third week. same old same old. anyway we have some people coming in today, monitoring our teaching methods. well, i hope it wont raise an issue with anyone here. i try to make ends meet.

i dont usually like to lecture students on what they should do and what they shouldn't do and appear like a strict father to them rather than a friend. but today i guess a little tongue lashing might do some good to them. but it didnt quite end up the way i wanted it to be. instead they became more afraid of me in a way. and i didn't like that one bit. oh well...i'm always hoping for some sort of miracle...

lately my mind is always pre-occupied with some other matters. especially since the shock i received last thursday...i keep forgetting things. that's why i had to immediately settle the problem so that my mind wouldn't be bogged down with unneccessary issues. i've read somewhere that if you are overly anxious or maybe under too much stress, you can easily be forgetful. i have no doubt that what's written on that topic is true. so true that when i'm worried i tend to forget where i place things. for instance today, i thought i left my newspaper on my desk. when i came back to the office after class it was missing. immediately in my mind i blamed my room mate for the lost. but when i calmed down and thought further i might have just left it in the car. but i'm not as sure yet because i've yet to confirm it. nonetheless i believe it wasn't in my room to begin with. anyhow that's only an example from thousands of other examples i could come up with.

i've even missed junctions while driving somewhere because i let my mind drift. it just takes a couple of seconds of the brain performing a re-run in my mind. enough for me to get myself in a dangerous situation. once i almost hit a biker because my mind was drifting. it's even happened to me while i was riding a motorcycle. absent-mindedness. i'm not yet at an age where i'm allowed to be forgetful, but i'm already facing some of the horrors...oh well..life's like that i presume....

Black spot

It's been awhile since i checked my letter box. went there today. opened it and found a letter that was posted a week ago. looked pretty normal. opened it up and my heart skipped a beat. now i'm sweating. my heart is pumping wildly. and i was in a middle of a break between classes. suddenly i just lost all my courage to go back to class. the contents wasn't something that i didn't expect, but the reality hits you hard in the face.

i always tell my students, that if you were going to make any mistakes in your life, you have to admit to doing them, correct them, apologize and live with it. after all what's done is done, whatever the decision was is already in the pass. accepting the consequences we must. be firm. steadfast. when we feel and decide on changing our bad habits, we have to make amendments and come face to face with the damage that we had commited. i believe it is my time. there are no easy way out to any problem, whether the problem manifested on its own or is a result of our own doing. but there is a way out. and its my chance to prove it to myself and everyone else that i haven't lost my credibility and ability that a lot of other people see in me.

called my wife. listening to her speak just soothes the mind about to go wild. my paranoia slowly subsided. i needed her consoling and caring voice to help me muster my courage to go back into class and then face my demons after that. no matter how adult we try to be, sometimes we become children wanting some love to be showered on us in trying times. felt like a child for awhile. but just for awhile. when the call was over, reality sinks in. i know what i have to do. be myself.

Blue?

not wearing blue today, i wore blue yesterday. yesterday we had this hari raya celebration at the office. everyone participated(almost).everybody was invited. I thought of wearing baju melayu for the occassion but decided against it early in the morning while getting ready for work. i just picked what ever was already ironed by my wife. just too lazy to do the ironing nowadays...anyway i was in a hurry. was also speeding on the highway. floored to 140km. hope i didn't get caught in the act.

gave one of my class their first quiz. didn't actually catch them by surprise. expecting most of them being able to answer the question. would be a bit dissapointed if some of them couldn't. but its ok.

today's class was alive. most of the time i made some stupid jokes that i think even a goat wouldn't laugh. but they obliged. predictable. whatever it takes to keep the class from getting bored. maybe they did find it as funny. i sure thought it was. but its okay if it wasn't. it doesn't matter. thought of giving them a quiz today. but I didn't prepare any. so maybe they'll get a taste of it on friday. its not even 11:30 and i'm already thinking of lunch. just had nasi lemak for breakfast. checked on my waist last night, not surprisingly i've grown by 1.5 inches. potentially i'm looking at a pot belly in the making. oh hell. as long as my wife still loves me. what if she doesn't? i doubt that. but to be safe, i think i'll jog off some of that fat on sundays.

one of my colleague wants to go for breakfast at 11am. i think i'll join him. then maybe lunch with my usual partner. later.

Yellow? Beige?

new week. second week for the new semester actually. and what's new? the color of the wall in my office. last week the guy who's supposed to paint the walls came and ask whether i wanted the room to be painted. I told him i just wanted the door to be painted. thought that was the last of it, but come monday (today) the whole room was painted. I didn't mind the color, yellow anyway (or is it beige?) but I just couldn't stand the smell. you know you've got cheap paint on your walls just from the smell of it. I don't think I could last longer staying in the room...might just leave for awhile and hope by the time I get back its going to be fine. By the way what's wrong with post-it notes nowadays? it's not actually sticking as its supposed to.

thinking about throwing a couple of quizes this week, just to see whether I could actually catch my students off-guard. I can see how bored some of them are when they are in my class. I just wish one of these days I get to sit in one of my colleagues classes and see how the students are handling it.

going for lunch now, then off to the bank. later.

Transparent

its a new day, don't really feel that tired. got up early well within the 6:00am to 6:30am range. kissed my wife on the forehead and had a shower. cold start. always that way. wish the water heater was working. traffic wasn't so bad. still made it in time before the clock chimed 8. checked email and there were some messages that was delivered after I left work yesterday and it was urgent. also always like that. complied with what was needed. hope its not much of a hassle if it was a bit late.

reading some of my students first assignments. quite an improved lot I have this time around. willing to participate in any discussion initiated. that's how its supposed to be. but not all of them are willing to change. some still stick to the 'hey i'm anonymous in this class...i'm invisible' routine. I can only say one thing to that, good luck!

class starts at 10:30. have to go settle some matters before that, maybe have breakfast along the way. hoping that the students would be ready with their assignments which i requested 2 days ago. routine as always.

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have to clear a few of my 'procastinated' work. dont want to get myself in the red. later.

Brand new day?

First blog, second attempt. Didn't like the first one. Called it quits. Starting a fresh one. This is it.It makes no difference, because I am still the same person. But this time, I feel like throwing away a lot more of the mask I used in the first blog. This time its going to be about me.

Like how tired sometimes I feel going to work, how by the end of each day you feel like running over the first cat you see. The feeling is not a result of the nature of work. Its about traffic. Yesterday i faced one of the worst traffic jams I've ever got my ass into. And it made me arrive late to work, and then having to put up a brave face saying how sorry I was that I couldn't have arrived earlier eventhough I left home early. And the knowledge of how wimpish and how miserable I was at explaining myself made it no better. I know most of my students don't appreciate it at all that I was late. I was supposed to be the role model when it comes to timeliness, and there I was...LATE! So now I can't actually say or tell them that they have to send in their assignments on time anymore because I gave them a bad impression on the first day of class. That's how things happen I guess, you can't be in control of everything. When you think the LDP was dependable...it bites you in the arse when you least expect it.

Nevermind that. But that's part of it, my intention of being open, no more hiding behind too many layers of masks anymore. Telling the truth is always the best policy. Now I'm going to try and implement it as best as i could.

New semester. Students coming back for more lectures and (good intention) tongue-lashing and of course the desire to gain knowledge. Also as usual, they skip the first class. But luckily this time around not many did that. Some still think its a honeymoon. Its okay. Started the course immediately. Lecturing on the introduction part. A lot of boring theories and historical background. 2 hours later, and they leave the class either full of theoretical facts or still the same amount of knowledge or lack of it when they came in earlier. Then its about preparing some notes and making their name list. Getting ready the mark sheet to insert their marks.

I still remembered something one of my lecturers (back when I was studying) told me then. He said most of you did not come here to learn anything, but were just here to play games. And further explained that the game you are playing (only interested in scoring high marks instead of being educated) will not make a better man out of you. I wanted to say the same words to my students. But I guess they were just too engrossed in it, that I decided against it.

Public University. Its fun to be working here. A lot of opportunity to learn and grow. Many chances of making new acquaintances from different fields as your own. Teaching and learning at the same time. But every work place has its fair share of nightmares. But for once, I don't have much to complain, if any they are so minor that I just brush it off away. I like working here, surrounded by students and colleagues alike.