My (sometimes) paranoid life...

In the end...

2008-07-04T18:50:00.002+08:00

...it doesn't even matter. How many times have we used to tell others caught in unfortunate predicaments that there is always a silver a lining to it. It doesnt actually make the person at the receiving end of the comment feel any better. But it sure does make the commenter better. 'Ada hikmah disebaliknya'. It's good to have a strong belief during moments that you feel miserable, suffocated by the current situation. Keeps you from going insane. Keeps you away from that 10th floor window or balcony or the edge of a cliff or whatever that would result in you thinking that by doing so would relinquish all those heavy burden that you are forced to accept, for a moment, at least until you realize that you are about to face plant yourself onto the hard earth below and...

This mental fatigue of mine...it just wont go away. Not right now nor anytime soon. But it would definitely reach an end. Riding my kapcai at least makes me feel a little sense of freedom, being alive and feeling the rushing air, although sometimes when the problems in life manages to creep in during my rides, buzzing my mind, making my body feel numb, the back of that trailer...

Even the sky seems to be mourning...tears from the heavens...but ride I still on my kapcai, not the least bothered of being drenched...squeezing the throttle more and more. The road ahead becomes a blur, the view on my side mirror...

People say that when one is unable to finish one's line of thought, its a sign of stress and depression. The mind is running wild, too many things to think about at the same time but unable to satisfy all those questions, could not find a resolution.

But I'm not suicidal

I'm not suicidal

not suicidal

As paranoia sets in...

2008-04-30T19:13:00.002+08:00

Tired.

Can't even begin to describe the kind of fatigue I'm feeling currently.

Its the kind that swallows you whole, consumes every bit of energy that you still have. Both mental and physical. Just brutal.

At times I wish I could just drop everything and escape it all. But I know that's not possible. I drag myself everyday to work, feeling my will being tortured with every single step, and feeling battered and brutally beaten at the end of everyday.

I have never imagined that the path I've chosen was damned from the very beginning. During these moments I wish I had the ability to foresee the future and remain where I was. It was an opportunity of a lifetime, that now I feel like it's a mistake of a lifetime. With all the ups and downs that you would normally find between the pages of a bestselling paperback, I found out that its my current reality. Its proven now that walking the path is most definitely not the same as knowing the path.

I am tested at every corner that I don't know how long I could last further. When is the last straw before I crack. I dread for it till it comes. How I wish that it wont ever , but every single day proves to be the opposite.

What's it like being a caged bird?

Don't forget the bikers...lest they forget about themselves...

2006-06-07T17:02:00.000+08:00

This is a public reminder, when at a junction, be sure it's safe to GO, before you make someone GO on to their next life...

A little bit of poetry: Usman Awang

2006-06-07T15:06:00.000+08:00

Another beautiful piece by Usman Awang

Guru Oh Guru

Dialah pemberi paling setia
Tiap akar ilmu miliknya
Pelita dan lampu segala
Untuk manusia sebelum menjadi dewasa.

Dialah ibu dialah bapa juga sahabat
Alur kesetiaan mengalirkan nasihat
Pemimpin yang ditauliahkan segala umat
Seribu tahun katanya menjadi hikmat.

Jika hari ini seorang Perdana Menteri berkuasa
Jika hari ini seorang Raja menaiki takhta
Jika hari ini seorang Presiden sebuah negara
Jika hari ini seorang ulama yang mulia
Jika hari ini seorang peguam menang bicara
Jika hari ini seorang penulis terkemuka
Jika hari ini siapa saja menjadi dewasa;
Sejarahnya dimulakan oleh seorang guru biasa
Dengan lembut sabarnya mengajar tulis-baca.

Di mana-mana dia berdiri di muka muridnya
Di sebuah sekolah mewah di Ibu Kota
Di bangunan tua sekolah Hulu Terengganu
Dia adalah guru mewakili seribu buku;
Semakin terpencil duduknya di ceruk desa
Semakin bererti tugasnya kepada negara.

Jadilah apa pun pada akhir kehidupanmu, guruku
Budi yang diapungkan di dulang ilmu
Panggilan keramat "cikgu" kekal terpahat
Menjadi kenangan ke akhir hayat.

I love the last paragraph...how many of us still remember and visit our teachers?

p/s: Pak Sugiarto, Pak Izzi, Dr. N ... jasamu ku kenang ke akhir hayat...Thank you...

A little bit of poetry: Usman Awang

2006-06-07T14:29:00.000+08:00

Melayu

oleh

Usman Awang a.k.a Tongkat Warrant (1929 - 2001)

Melayu itu orang yang bijaksana
Nakalnya bersulam jenaka
Budi bahasanya tidak terkira
Kurang ajarnya tetap santun
Jika menipu pun masih bersopan
Bila mengampu bijak beralas tangan

Melayu itu berani jika bersalah
Kecut takut kerana benar
Janji simpan di perut
Selalu pecah di mulut
Biar mati adat
Jangan mati anak

Melayu di Tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu, Bugis itu Melayu
Banjar juga disebut Melayu,
Minangkabau memang Melayu,
Keturunan Acheh adalah Melayu,
Jakun dan Sakai asli Melayu,
Arab dan Pakistani, semua Melayu
Mamak dan Malbari serap ke Melayu
Malah mua'alaf bertakrif Melayu
(Setelah disunat anunya itu)

Dalam sejarahnya
Melayu itu pengembara lautan
Melorongkan jalur sejarah zaman
Begitu luas daerah sempadan
Sayangnya kini segala kehilangan

Melayu itu kaya falsafahnya
Kias kata bidal pusaka
Akar budi bersulamkan daya
Gedung akal laut bicara

Malangnya Melayu itu kuat bersorak
Terlalu ghairah pesta temasya
Sedangkan kampung telah tergadai
Sawah sejalur tinggal sejengkal
Tanah sebidang mudah terjual

Meski telah memiliki telaga
Tangan masih memegang tali
Sedang orang mencapai timba
Berbuahlah pisang tiga kali
Melayu itu masih bermimpi

Walaupun sudah mengenal universiti
Masih berdagang di rumah sendiri
Berkelahi cara Melayu
Menikam dengan pantun
Menyanggah dengan senyum
Marahnya dengan diam
Merendah bukan menyembah
Meninggi bukan melonjak

Watak Melayu menolak permusuhan
Setia dan sabar tiada sempadan
Tapi jika marah tak nampak telinga
Musuh dicari ke lubang cacing
Tak dapat tanduk telinga dijinjing
Maruah dan agama dihina jangan
Hebat amuknya tak kenal lawan

Berdamai cara Melayu indah sekali
Silaturrahim hati yang murni
Maaf diungkap senantiasa bersahut
Tangan diulur sentiasa bersambut
Luka pun tidak lagi berparut

Baiknya hati Melayu itu tak terbandingkan
Selaga yang ada sanggup diberikan
Sehingga tercipta sebuah kiasan:
"Dagang lalu nasi ditanakkan
Suami pulang lapar tak makan
Kera di hutan disusu-susukan
Anak di pangkuan mati kebuluran"

Bagaimanakah Melayu abad dua puluh satu
Masihkan tunduk tersipu-sipu ?
Jangan takut melanggar pantang
Jika pantang menghalang kemajuan;
Jangan segan menentang larangan
Jika yakin kepada kebenaran;
Jangan malu mengucapkan keyakinan
Jika percaya kepada keadilan

Jadilah bangsa yang bijaksana
Memegang tali memegang timba
Memiliki ekonomi mencipta budaya
Menjadi tuan di negara Merdeka

I think it sums up quite well what a 'melayu' means... orang melayu, bila bersumpah untuk berjanji kata mereka... biar pecah diperut, jangan pecah dimulut...tetapi selalunya apabila mengucapkan akuan sumpah, lebih kepada mulut manis, hati berkait...kalau ada untungnya pecah dimulut takkan disimpan diperut

Faster

2006-06-01T10:10:00.000+08:00

I just found out about the existence this documentary called 'Faster' which was released in 2003. I don't know whether the local DVD/VCD retailers have it in their stores or are even aware of it but I'll be on the look out. I don't suppose the local DVD/VCD peddlers (read:pirates) that walk around approching customers at mamak stalls have it in their inventory too. And frankly, i'm afraid to ask. They would usually say 'yes' to any query on any movie and then produce something totally different from what you were asking about, which usually is a 5-star DVD (read:PORN). But for now I'll just have to be contented with its trailer.

All going up!!!

2006-05-26T16:09:00.000+08:00

It seems we have a sequel to my earlier post. This country is really on a fast track to becoming Japan..(read:.HIGH COST OF LIVING!!)...Now electricity tariff is going up in June. Soon water tariff will follow suit...what do you think is needed to pump the water to your houses? Electricity!!

I might have to pack up and go back and live in my wife's kampung in the near future...aiseh...what to do...the kampung doesn't look so bad either...look at the scenery...no where in a polluted and havoc towns in Selangor will you be able to see such views...

temet nosce....ancora imparo...

2006-05-26T15:30:00.000+08:00

Temet nosce...know thyself, ancora imparo...I'm still learning...

What's so special about those words? The former is in Latin, the latter is in Italian. Maybe because its in a different language I tend to treat them differently...the meaning that the words brings, know thyself, kenali/fahami diri sendiri...doesn't sound so special in malay doesn't it...but the meaning is still important, whatever language is used to carry them.

And so goes for ancora imparo...i'm still learning...saya masih belajar...everyone who still believes that no matter how old, how matured you may think you are, you shall always be a student, always learning, relearning things...and because of that you feel humbled...that there's always something new to learn, the quest is never ending...tiada erti kata khatam dalam pengejaran ilmu...ada PhD tak bermakna kita sudah khatam belajar...sudah khatam mengaji Al-Quran tak bermakna kita sudah tak perlu membacanya lagi...

And by acknowledging this, ackowledging the need to continuously learn...you know much more things, you acquire more skills, you realise your potentials, your limits and finally you know... yourself...better...

temet nosce...

p.s./temet nosce - sage words found on a plaque, hung on top of the entrance to the Oracle's kitchen: the Matrix

Just another day

2006-05-04T15:27:00.000+08:00

04-05-06. A unique date. But not really something so special that you have to go crazy about it. I'll just put up another picture I took from my wife's kampung just so that I would remember that there are places that are still serene, peaceful and beautiful and a day could pass by with you not going crazy about it.

Journey to the east...

2006-05-03T14:47:00.000+08:00

Took a week's off to travel back to my wife's hometown. Travelling back was always interesting especially when we leave the trunk roads and head into the rural area of my in laws which happens to be on the way to one of the entrance to our National Park. Scenery was different, definitely. The color green almost everywhere, mostly palm oil trees. Move a little more towards the National Park, and the view changes with a significant change of tree types with more of the virgin forest type of trees. The change of scenery was more than welcoming, a change for the better. Much better than the view of concrete forests and smog.

During this trip, we went sight seeing a bit. Stopped by a local air terjun. Lata Rek.

Traveling into a rural area one must be prepared to be separated from all the normal amenities found in the urban civilization. It used to be that when we travel back to this secluded spot, I feel lost. Days were spent watching TV that tries to justify its existence. You would have to squint hard just to see who is saying what. I was delighted when upon arriving, I saw a satellite TV dish perched on the roof top.

It also used to be that one would be really cut off from the outside world. Do not expect to get any cellular coverage when venturing into such areas. But now, the situation has improved somewhat, albeit that you would still have to travel to a football field surrounded by palm oil trees to use your phone.

Enough about the kampung.

On our journey back, we made several stops. Twice we stopped because my son vomitted in the car. But on one of the last stops we made was at a waterfall about 8 kilometers from the main road.

Air Terjun Chamang.

A 320 kilometers journey from the east coast ended with a traffic jam in KL during a downpour. Nice.

The cat...

2006-04-06T10:34:00.000+08:00

I like the look on the cat's face...

Says it all..."WHAT DO YOU WANT???"

What else could the cat be thinking...

Passing thoughts of the day...

2006-03-18T14:32:00.001+08:00

To all of you who did well in their SPM and STPM, Congratulations!!

I just have a few questions though...with such a big number every year (% increases every year) of straight 'A' students...do we actually have an increase in the number of geniuses in Malaysia? I mean, you must be really brilliant to be able to score an 'A' for every subject that you sit for. So are we looking at a pool of incredible intelectual talent here...? With so many geniuses (7000 I think) I'm sure we don't have anything to worry about.

Anyway is there a difference between those who scored an 'A' for every subject 15 years ago with those who achieve the same result today? Or are they equally the same? Is the measuring instrument today measuring what it is suppose to measure, or is it just a legacy tool that is still being used to measure an obsolete generation? Can the measuring tool remain the same (and be relevant) when the subjects (the current generation) being measured has had a dramatic change over the last 15-20 years?

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Just heard a talk by a group of people from SBB mutual (look it up if you don't know what it is). Good talk. I was impressed. But I was not happy. But they did use the right ploy/tactic. That made me unhappy. Enticing/baiting students with the amount of wealth they have collected through their activity of promoting (selling, sales) their unit trust fund/mutual funds. All this talk about earning more than 3,000 a month, 5,000 even 100,000 a month. And the success stories (they called it testimony) of their members was told by showing pictures of them in front of their new mercedes or BMW's.

Sounds more like multi level marketing promotion to me. I want to dig in deeper. With all this amount of honey coating, could there not be any catch at all? If not, why don't we all just tell our students "kids, we're closing down the university. Let's all join CHARISMA Agency so that we can all be rich! Why bother being educated with things that do not make you rich? Let's all go there and after 5 months we can all go around in our Beamers and have lunch everyday at San Francisco Steak House!" And yeah...to hell with all this institutions of higher learning, let's join Charisma Agency, they are merging with CIMB and going to be the number one mutual funds company in our country!

H5N1 vs M4L45

2006-03-06T11:32:00.000+08:00

H5N1 - Bird flu
Is an avian influenza virus subtype. The H5N1 flu is what is commonly meant when speaking of "bird flu" or "avian influenza". It is a viral disease that causes illness in many species including humans and is a pandemic threat. (wikipedia)

M4L45 - Laziness flu
Even more pervasive, develop early in life of humans. Infects also the animal kingdom. Causes mind/body to freeze and become numb. According to wikipedia, the lack of desire to act or work in general or to do an act or work that is expected of the person. What is considerered laziness varies depending on cultural/societal context and magnitude, but it is generally considered a negative quality.

Author's choice: Laziness can be considered an exaggeration of the natural instinct to do nothing that makes people get healthy rest.

More from wikipedia: The expression "intellectual laziness" is frequently used to describe a tendency not to ask questions, and not to scratch too much behind the apparent, applying a kind of mental routine (availability heuristic) or just following the crowd herding. (typically found in meetings and large organizations)

When a snapshot would suffice...

2006-03-06T09:25:00.000+08:00

This post has long been delayed. I wanted to write about this since the day it happened, but due to other pressing matters, only today I felt it right to write about it. It's not much of a complaint or even a joke, but it happened and I just wished I had a phone equipped with a camera to show all of you what I am about to say.

It happened during rush hour, and I was stuck in traffic as usual in one of those roads leading to my work place. It happened right in front of the national car maker's assembly plant. I was late as usual and I was reading the news paper and listening to the same boring female DJ and her partner, and by the way, the female DJ always goes after her male listeners when it comes to any issues relating to her gender. Anyway, we (my fellow drivers) were all waiting for the MHiP to decide when it was time for our turn to move ahead and I was waiting right behind a white van. The usual tainted white colored van that is used to transport things and/or people from one point to another, with dusty windscreens which you could write "please wash me!" if you were parked next to it. So I continued reading the papers, at the same time always looking up every now and then. Wouldn't want those waiting at the back to honk at me (it has happened before) for not moving, even if it was merely an extra 1 feet.

So the turn for us to move came along finally. I counted 5, then 4, 3, 2 and now the van should move, he's got a clear road ahead, I shift into 1st, and what's this? The van stays in its position as if the tar underneath it melted and glued it to the road. Those at my rear are now blaring their honks, putting pressure on me. Hey! Its not my fault! I tried to identify what was the problem. Could I have been waiting behind a stalled van all this while and not notice? I checked to see if there was any tree branch (in Malaysia it means my vehicle is dead) stuck between its window sills or perhaps at its rear end. None. Perhaps there was a triangle placed on the road that I didn't notice earlier. No sign at all, like it was gonna happen. Checked its hazard light, sigh, wasn't blinking at all, anyway one of it was smashed. Its an accessory anyway. So what the hell was the problem?? Some drivers at the back managed to navigate into the next lane. I thought of doing it too, but the fact that I was too close to the rear of the van and an MPV stuck closely behind me made me ditch the idea. I have to wait until the MPV cuts into the next lane. So for the time being I tried still to understand what was going on. I looked through the van and saw that the driver was still in it.

So I kept on pressing my horn, hoping that maybe through this futile exercise, the van would be move just enough so that I can overtake it. Soon the MPV managed to overtake me, and I reversed my car a bit and then cut into the next lane. As I was slowly passing the mysterious van, I looked at the driver, wanting to vent my anger for ruining my day so early in the day. I wanted to show him a few sign languages that I managed to learn as a kid. I wanted to shout at him, press the horn harder so that he could feel the pain he had caused me and my fellow commuters.

Then I saw him. He had his arm resting on his window frame, supporting his head which was positioned directly towards me, and his mouth was a bit parted, just a little bit, and his eyes was shut...well shut...The Idiot was asleep!!!! The damn jerk was asleep!!! betul-betul tido mati!!! kurang ajar betul!!

I just wished I had a phone equipped with a camera to show all of you his picture...that way you wouldn't have had to read all of this...

There's no other way but up!

2006-02-28T09:50:00.000+08:00

Definitely from a business perspective, this sounds good, if it was related to revenue or sales...definitely good...for instance, Proton's recent business report showed that they are back in the black...that's good...or EPF is paying 5% dividend compared to 4.75% last year, eventhough initially it was in the area of 8%, but it's an UPward trend...so far so good..

The gomen gave extra allowances for the civil servants, the Cost Of Living Allowance, fondly called COLA by all...that's also good...plus some of those who are staying in gomen quarters might also get a taste of COLA...even better!

But starting from today, the price of petrol and petrol products including diesel is also UP, an increase of 30 sen from 1.62 to 1.92 per litre...definitely UP! And because of that, we can be sure that the prices of goods will also go UP, in accordance to an increase in cost, as usual...not only that, prices of services will also be pushed UPwards so as to not be left out of the current trend of things...

Last sunday water levels were UP to the chest of Shah Alam citizens, flooding their bungalows, schools, shops and highways...schools in the affected areas are closed, shop owners need to clean their shops and home owners are left to drying everything in the house under the sun...Tow truck owners see their revenue going UP too due to this 'natural disaster' as well as the incomes of auto mechanics, wiremen, electrical goods supplier, yeah you name it, every party involved in the consumer goods value chain...cost, prices, rates, water level and anxiety go UP all at the same time!

At least some things are going down, for example the price of chicken eggs, 30% lower...I'm sure the price of chicken per kilo would also decline, but that's because there's heightened awareness of bird flu since it was located in KL...sapa mau makan ayam...?

Death comes to us all...

2006-02-21T14:18:00.000+08:00

I was informed by my friend that an ex-college mate of ours passed away 2-days ago of a heart attack...a heart attack in his 30's. Eventhough I was not close to you my friend, and I think we rarely had any conversations, my doa is with you, moga-moga rohmu aman sejahtera disisi pencipta...

And, just now, as I was writing this, another long lost friend suddenly buzzed me on Yahoo messenger informing me that our batch mate's wife who was supposed to deliver their first baby (in less than 3 months) after several years of marriage just passed away...am going out to see him now...God...have mercy on their souls...

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Update:

His wife passed away at around 1.30 pm with reasons unknown. Even after an autopsy was done, the reason was not easily established as to her cause of death. She was due to deliver in 1 month (instead of 3 months I stated earlier). Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosanya, masukkanlah beliau ke dalam syurga mu....

Aiyo, so lame lah...part 2

2005-12-30T11:16:00.000+08:00

At least I was not alone when I wrote the first part yesterday. As reported on The Star and Jeff Ooi's site, the flag draping exercise has hit a snag. The chairman of Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities, Dr Zahi Hawass was reported saying:

"This cannot take place," said chairman Zahi Hawass.
“Nobody is allowed to do this."
"Why should I allow them to drape it?" said Hawass.

So, the Egyptian government's stand has been made known and I feel really embarassed eventhough I didn't moot the idea, and to those who did, what were you thinking?? Let's just put an end to all this record setting please...for the sake of a more credible Malaysia.

p.s. Malu nak jumpa orang Mesir.

TZM SIG

2005-12-29T09:42:00.000+08:00

Recently I made acquaintance with the husband of my wife's friend who happens to own the same bike as I do. He invited me to join his forum of friends who are also bikers so that we could exhange ideas and learn new things especially about maintenance and handling of our machines. Later did I know that by joining it would mean I would have to go on road trips with them from time to time. Sounds like I'm being forced to do it doesn't it. But I obliged nonetheless to one of this roadtrips (to awana genting highlands and bukit tinggi) because the other friend, P from our forum actually repaired my bike before that and he was the more experienced among us and taught me a lot about the bike, and for that I am grateful.

It was a fun ride up the slopes with all those crazy corners, and these guys mind you, are more experienced than I am, so it was clear who reached the top first. We were like migrating birds flocking on top of a hill that weekend morning, and my machine was more or less a compared to those superbikes already parked in front of the cable car station. When breakfast was over with, we started downhill to fuel up at the Petronas station at the genting rest area before continuing our journey (later did I know it was actually more like a weekly ritual for these guys) to bukit tinggi, stopping at the rabbit farm. We were not there for the rabbits of course. The corners going up bukit tinggi was even crazier and there were a few fellows that really took unwarranted risks by executing over taking maneuvers with each other. I was only able to witness this for a moment before realising I was the last duck lagging really far behind. I took the time to appreciate the surrounding area and enjoy the ride, lantak la diorang. So when I finally arrived those fellows were busy talking about what they just did, with special effects, of how their engine revved, applying very little braking and sweeping into corners, race lines, etc. I just sat there and took the time to enjoy the view, heck I even wanted to pet the rabbits had it not been the fear of beeing looked differently by my new brothers!

But after these couple of months, suddenly they are turning more into a Special Interest Group for me. They don't talk about other things except bikes, bikes and more bikes. Somehow I see the group as being a bit shallow at times, but I'm being optimistic that our discussions would turn better (at least from my perspective) and move on to other topics other than bikes. Always talking about bikes pun tak syok la beb...

Aiyo, so lame lah...sorry to say

2005-12-29T09:03:00.000+08:00

I thought we are all cash strapped nowadays. We even include the credit card into our monthly cash flow and yet some quarters think its alright to be spending money over things that are not actually necessary. With the rising cost in every single commodity that we require every month, the little guy like myself have enough stress already to even be joyous about our nations latest attempt at supposedly world fame and glory. A 13-day expedition costing about 200,000 (fundings: Selangor state government, youth & sports ministry, perhebat and other sponsors) that will be included into the Malaysian Book of Records. Now who actually buys the Malaysian Book of Records? Why not go for the Guiness Book of World Records? Maybe if I had my name in that book I would be buying it, but I don't. How about the rest of you?

What else about this expedition/mission got me frustrated? Did I tell you they are attempting to drape the great pyramid of Giza with a giant national flag (2 points for guessing which country's) plus the flags from the 57 members of the OIC. They are planning to execute this action on the 18th of May 2006. The expedition leader also plans on getting married in front of the pyramid! Hopefully the cost is coming out of his pockets but I'm thinking (my cynical brain thinks) it may be the alang-alang menyeluk pekasam thing. And then they will go on a tour of several mosques and historical sites in Cairo in addition to Jeddah and Mecca (buat umrah sekali...). We can all watch this great (I'm thinking its going to be really challenging, very risky perhaps even life threatening) event when it happens and its going to be aired live on selamat pagi malaysia.

I love my country and don't intend on biting the hands of those who feed me...but something like this...at this time...rasa macam tak berapa sesuai la...

Anyway, let those who worked hard and later recognized not just by us but by the world be honored as towering Malaysians...we know a towering Malaysian when we see one...and currently on my list of towering Malaysians is Nicole A. Davids...

A lady passed away

2005-10-20T09:57:00.000+08:00

The PM's wife passed away this morning. My condolences to the PM and his family. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh beliau. Al-Fatihah.

I wish...

2005-10-18T09:44:00.000+08:00

I wish I was a pilot, piloting an airline Boeing 777. Carrying people all over the world. Being able to say "This is your captain speaking...our flight would take approximately 3 hours...". Flying sky high. Going to far away places, exotic places. Living out of a suitcase. Meeting a lot of people. Perhaps even famous people on one of my flight schedule. Shaking hands with people that sit in first class, the kind of people that you would hardly have access to. Of course the pay would be great, yeah... the sacrifises in terms of time would be a trade-off, but money is good anytime. Ramadhan would also be a bit different. Different timezones might just make things a bit difficult. "Dah boleh berbuka ke belum ni?", "ada time lagi ke nak sahur ni?" It would be an experience worth sharing with people around me.....

.....but I'm not a pilot. I'm a teacher. I don't travel around and commute people around the world in an airplane. I won't be going to far away lands neither exotic locations. I would be shouting "hey, tirulah, masuk neraka kau nanti!" I wont be meeting famous people. My pay is enough but would never be equivalent to the earnings of a pilot. Oh yeah...and today I won't be able to 'berbuka puasa' with my family because there's a test that has to be conducted! But is that BAD??! NOOOO....

....I actually kinda like it. And I'm so glad that my wish/dream of becoming a pilot didn't come true. I might not get to meet famous people, but perhaps in the future among these batch of students I have around me, some of them might be famous...just hope its not for the wrong reasons lah...

Tau takpe...lagi sekali daa

2005-08-18T16:08:00.000+08:00

Today I told agentkay7 about a conversation I had with one of my wife's relatives, who is her uncle, whom I am quite close to. We haven't been in touch with each other for some months now since my son was borned, and him having a business to run which is actually progressing quite well. Plus, his daughter is being hospitalized, who I think is going for an operation today. So with him having to run the business and being worried about his child, and my own responsibilities, I'm not at all surprised how we have not been in contact.

The conversation was obviously long, we began with asking about the family, and then his business, and then about his coarse voice (he was having a fever). He himself was trying to quit smoking, being the 'chronic' smoker himself just as I was. We actually smoked the same cigarette brand. He just managed to scrape thorugh (according to him) the second month without having to puff a single fag. And he was saying how terrible the experience was, and went on saying that he wants to go all the way just like I did. By the end of this weekend it would have been one year since I quit smoking.

I related to him the news that I have moved to another house, which was actually just next door.When I said next door he queried, why? So I told him that the rent was much cheaper, and the amount saved was quite big. It would be enough to cover a month expenses for diapers and milk.

So his respond to my elaborate explanation was: "oooh...tau takpe!"

I was shocked. What should I say to that? I wanted to lash out, but he's after all my uncle. I was still unable to comprehend what this "tau takpe" phrase means and how it fits in a conversation, and bam! he gives me one, smack right in the face.

So, even a 40 something knows about this "tau takpe" phrase and how to use it.

I can only say 'terkena aku...'

What a wonderful...HAZE...

2005-08-11T14:55:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make. In 2004, I was still a smoker. I kicked the habit cold turkey style in August. Now I've been off the sticks for almost a year and life as it seems has become better, health wise. But I have to thank the folks in Indonesia for today I am being reminded of what being a smoker was all about. Thank you Indonesia, thank you...

I would love to change the title of one WINGS song. Instead of "Benafas dalam lumpur", lets make it more relevant: "Bernafas dalam debu/jerebu". Yeah now that would be a message that we can pass on to Indonesia albeit in a melody.

How about this idea. Now that face masks are fashionable again (its usually popular during this period) lets make it hip and trendy to wear. And lets not just stop there, let's use those catchy marketing lines usually found in Jalan TAR. I'm thinking, let's have a "Penutup mulut Mawi" or "Penutup Mulut Felix". Wouldn't that be something?

Or how about, instead of the normal white coloured face masks, we have painted face masks. A face mask with the mouth cover of darth vader with additional device to make the "kroohhh" sound as you breathe throught it. Agentkay7 was lamenting on having a face mask with the snout of a particular animal, but I wouldn't wear one...

I bet if louise armstrong was still alive, he wouldn't have sang "I see skies are blue...".

Hmm...all this haze is making me paranoid.

tau takpe?

2005-08-08T12:44:00.000+08:00

I got this phrase from agentkay7, and even today, I still don't get it...tau takpe? what the heck is that supposed to mean? how is it actually used? even after receiving an oral explanation from agentkay7, I still don't get it. However I occassionally use it on him just to get on his nerves...

tau tak pe? what do you mean takpe!!!!???

the thing about mawi that I don't understand...

2005-08-08T12:11:00.000+08:00

What the heck is MAWI...WORLD!! supposed to mean...

what world?

I heard it was supposed to be WHIRL!

now WHIRL I can try to accept...but WORLD!!???

wei it's not WORLD la, it's WHIRL!!!!

Exercise lah!

2005-07-27T16:41:00.000+08:00

I think its that season again (musim). Musim main bola. I am asked to play for the academics' team. Team A i'm told. went for a training session one fine friday evening last week. at the end of session, I felt really old...i mean really, really OLD... and to think among the group there was one guy who had white streaks all over his head, and he's able to go through the rigorous warming up routine he deviced for us without even breaking a sweat!

So today, I should oblige by actually 'turun padang'. literally speaking that is. I just hope i wont be tackled too hard. I need to able to walk to class the next day. So far 'our' team has lost the opening game 1-0, and won the second game 2-0 even without a full team. So this morning...really early in the morning, my team mate SMSed me to bring my gear today. "TAK CUKUP ORANG LA!" ok la, ok la...

what to do...exerciselah!!

Passing thought of the day...

2005-07-21T17:05:00.000+08:00

This is just one of those current dreams that you wish you could achieve in the near future...

I just love the design of this french car...

...and...

if I just had a little more, I would have got myself this instead...

Citroen C4 taken from http://www.autogars.lv/c4.htm

ZXR photo taken from http://www.importmc.com.au/bikes/zxr250c/zxr250cyellowblackframe.htm

Bantai!!!!! (or banzai?)

2005-07-21T15:10:00.000+08:00

What an experience!!

Today marked the first time I had japanese food in my life, and having it with friends was great and being treated to it was the greatest! Not only was the company enjoyable, I had the most fun playing with my food!! Now with no disrespect to the japanese, why oh why...:

taugeh is part of an expensive meal when you know it's really cheap?
why is there no assam pedas? or tempoyak for that matter?
do you have to go to the trouble of eating rice in a bowl using two wooden sticks? why can't you just use the hands that god gave you?

So while our host for lunch was tirelessly trying to explain to us the technicalities of eating japanese food, I was reflecting, with the assistance of my other friend (who gave me a parting gift in the form of staining my shirt with that dark sauce thingy) all of the above. And the situation wasn't helped by the staring eyes of the other patrons and also a guy who looked like japanese and seem to understand the jokes that we were throwing at each other.

I struggled through out the course to the extent I believe my hands were about to go into a cramp. Eating all the sea creatures served and forgetting the rice was a mistake that I thought could be solved by ordering a "telor mata..."

As a conclusion to our little lunch escapade today, while in the car I said, today I have just done what we should all be doing according to the guidance provided in Islam: "makan sebelum lapar, and BERHENTI SEBELUM KENYANG"

BANTAI!!

What's the worst vice?

2005-07-19T08:41:00.000+08:00

I heard this line in the "The Devil's Advocate" where Al Pacino told Charlize Theron "The worst vice is advice". I think at this time and age, giving and receiving advice is like exchanging ideas. You give some, you get some back. You learn, you try to accept and usually you might even just throw it off as being I don't give a damn. I am guilty of the things that I sometime advice other people not to do. But at any particular point in time you will be humbled and humbled you will no matter how hard you try to be great. But as far as advices go, you want to get some advice, go get some. But at those times of needs, you just have to sometimes be vigilant. The person you are asking advice from might not be as perfect and straight as an arrow as you might think. What do I mean by that? I would listen to the advice. I won't judge the person who donated the advice for as long as it is sound advice. And one more thing... I am a risk taker for as long as I remember being myself... and I wont be a hypocrite about that. What am I talking about here?

Oh yeah, to my close friend. I'll try not to be too Max X! I know my son is waiting for me to come home. I'm too honest sometimes (blurghhhh!!)

With bated breaths...

2005-07-18T15:57:00.000+08:00

A long awaited longing finally materialized a few months back. The longing for being able to cruise on the highway on a bike. It may be second hand, but right now it's my right hand. Being able to feel the air/wind/breeze flowing through your hair (I only do this in the housing area where I live) is an experience you can only achieve fully while being on a bike. But on the highway you of course have to adhere to the rules. Once in a while you do feel the need for speed though. Cruising on the highway...

A close friend tells me differently. At least that's his point of view (let's talk about that over a teh 'O ais limau). He says that my view of 'cruising' at 160km/hour is not at all cruising. Its more of speeding than cruising. Actually its more of a death wish! Well friend...this time what I am about to say is being documented. I won't be able to say that you have no proof anymore, unless, well if I delete this post. I cruised at 180km recently. And... It was scary as it was exhillarating. It was dangerous as it was fun. It was like those people who document themselves using a camcorder and sent it to Maximum Exposure! Only that for the time being, while I'm off the bike, I'm safe and sound...

ramblings of nothingness...

2005-07-18T13:22:00.000+08:00

what's it like being in control? what is control? what's the opposite of that state? do we have to be out of control first in order to appreciate the state of being in control? is being in control about being organized? is being in control a condition where one is on top of a problem? what is a problem then? something that we perceive as being in someway deficient? but then, if we are petty our level of tolerance towards something would be very low, hence we might define things which are not problems to begin with as being a problem...

all are mere ramblings...

when you have a lot to do and you are a bit stressed about it, people give advice to you saying something like, the situation that you are facing can be addressed by first organizing them. some might go to the extent of saying, if you are able to define a problem, then, you would have solve part of it already. but all this is all nicely said, but not easily done. we have to go through the process, they further state...

everyone of us have one problem or another at any particular state in time or space. we have family problems, we have health problems, financial problems, work related problems, etc...all of this if is not well addressed, and at the appropriate time, then it will contribute to stress. stress will later on contribute to one of the mentioned problems, health, specifically mental problems. now we don't want to go there do we? but what if either one of us are already there. will we know? will we acknowledge it when we see some of the symptoms occuring? most of just carry on living in denial. but will such problems when addressed properly actually go away? permanently? or the problem still lingers there, more in the back of our mind...ready to come back and materialize to surprise us when we least want it to be?

Quote of the day...

2005-06-10T15:38:00.000+08:00

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."

-Dwight Eisenhower

Are you an intellect?

What's In A Name??

2005-05-27T16:51:00.000+08:00

Hello all,

I think this is a good topic to write about since being absent for a LONG time. Not actually that busy, but...there's a lot on my mind this past few weeks (actually a couple of months since the last posting) that the idea of posting anything is being put on the shelf to let it collect some dust...

But now I'm back, and I do have some things to write about especially with regards to the title above. The truth is, I'm expecting a child soon. It's a wonderful event that I think most married couples look forward to, myself included. And the burden of it all of course lies with the mother, i.e. my wonderful wife. I'm not here to detail the aspect of child bearing or the labour of love a mother invests upon the child growing within her womb for I have no practical knowledge of any of it at all. But I would like to share the delights(?) of coming up with a suitable name for your child.

There's no secret when naming a child, people (especially your elders) would offer you some 'voluntary' tips. And they leave with you a the standard tagline too: '...but the decision is still yours to make, we are just offering some advice..'. All well and noted..and then they leave you with the-standard-look-after-giving-the-standard-tagline, which is a look that announces 'if you decide against our advice you shall be shun forever by the family'.

Some would even openly say that your choice of name is too much for the child. In my culture there is this word 'berat' as in the name would be too great for the child to grow up with. Names that bear meanings so great it might be a burden for the child to live up to.

And then there is the standard should-it-be-2-names-or-just-1-single-name game. For example:

1. Ahmad - simple, straight to the point, I like it (my opinion), too common, i.e. boring (others opinion)
2. Salman Danial Al-Farisi - Complex, lengthy (my opinion), Great! (others)
3. Abdul Hitler - plain weird (my opinion), plain weird too (others)
4. Darth Grumpy- can this work?

So, what's in a name actually? Anybody has any suggestions?

Alamak!...Mengandung..?! (literally...Oh My!! Pregnant??)

2005-04-05T13:22:00.000+08:00

I've always had the utmost respect for women. I mean they are the ones who carry a child in their womb for nine months...and in my case, my child...and for that my dear wife...I thank you for the sacrifices that you are and will continue doing for the benefit of our child...Only Allah will be able to repay all that...

I, of course am not capable (biologically) of giving birth to a child more over carry him/her in my body...you see..I don't have a womb..(applies to the other guys also..hmm). But if we men are able to do so...would we actually consider it as a choice? what are the reprecussions of taking that leap into the unknown? should we or should we not care what society says about us men if all of us or some of us suddenly decide to alter our physical state to support the process of pregnancy? what about from the perspective of religion? Wouldn't that be going against the rule designed by God upon us humans?

Would society be able to accept fathers that have kids of their own without a woman in their life in the role of a wife, a wife that consequently would, godwilling, bear his children? Of course I am not refering to a man adopting a child. This discussion must also have went on when a woman gave birth to a child without a husband. But in the latter case, it is not actually out of the norm. A woman would still biologically be endowed the ability to have children either in or out of wedlock. But a man, to have kids of his own when it is biologically impossible? What does society think about that?

In this world that we live in, the impossible is slowly being reduced to "being difficult to achive but worth the try"...but is it really worth it to experiment on a man, to see whether a man can actually have kids on his own? What is it that we humans, as a species, are trying to prove? As a dominant species does this feat make us more superior? We know animals are not able to do a lot of things that we humans nowadays can do. So are we actually moving our front, from comparing ourselves to animals to comparing ourselves to God the Creator Himself?

Now we have conquered the animal kingdom and its surrounding nature we look to the heavens and ask can we change what God (some people like to use the word nature here) has designed and intended for us to be? Can we do this or change that? For what purpose? To show that we are now on the same level as God? One more tsunami would surely silence these preposterous and blasphemous ideas...but would it really be enough to silence the arrogance of man?

Some people do think that by going against our design it is actually a form of progress...what do you think?

Earthquake ver.8.7

2005-03-29T08:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night we (the people of SEA) experienced another earthquake. This time it was a 8.7 on the richter scale earthquake (look it up on the USGS website). The tremors were felt here in Malaysia. Residents living in high-rise buildings (Penang, KL) evacuated themselves promptly even without a warning. Most of them ran helter-skelter in their sarongs and baju kelawar and some of them even continued their disturbed slumber on the pavement. Countries around the Indian Ocean are warning their citizens of a possible tsunami and to seek higher ground for those who are living near the coastal areas. No one wants a repeat of the previous tragedy. My colleague who lives in Subang felt the tremors for a couple of minutes. Some people living in Puchong also felt the tremors. But I did not. Maybe because I wasn't living in a high-rise. Perhaps the house was shaking but my attention was really focused on...the tv...so I didn't realize it happening.

I'm sure by now the news has spread evenly across the nation. And I'm sure a lot of people are now aware of the situation...but to those of you who are still unaware you can always do this.

Latest addition...

2005-03-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

Earlier this month our cat..gave birth to 5 kittens. I know this might be a boring subject to write about, but hey..this IS my blog... she gave birth on the 4th which coincides with the day my cheque for the sale of my car was cleared. She was in pain the whole night...and kept wanting to climb up on our bed with us. Early in the morning, before subuh...I carried her to her box and left her there to some peace and quiet...hoping she would be able to handle the process of birth on her own..(like I know how to help her..)

After subuh prayers at 6:30 I checked on her and found that she had safely delivered 5 kittens. She had this tired look, so I told my wife to make her some milk and she (not my wife la..) happily licked the whole pan clean and went back to nursing her new borns... We left for work soon after but not before making sure the kittens and the mother were in a good warm and sheltered home...

Peace...

'Anugerah' with a capital A

2005-03-15T08:23:00.000+08:00

Recently we were served with the latest entertainment extravaganza that was claimed to be 'for the first time'. I'm talking about the Anugerah Seri Angkasa. Yes, it's a night where those who are from the entertainment industry (TV and radio, not necessarily artistes) are recognized for their contribution and excellent work. I only managed to catch a few awards before I called it quits. I managed to watch Halim Othman the radio ERA Dj receive his trophy, and also M Rajoli receiving his trophy for Anugerah Pelakon Komedi Terbaik.

All good and well I suppose but I couldn't maintain my focus long enough to endure the show further. I mean to begin with the show started with 'graduates' of the talent shows from each TV stations to give their best rendition of every TV/radio stations jingles, which was not to my liking. I mean, they come out to holler for just a few seconds (that's as long as any jingle is, anymore than that its going to be a single) and then they switch to the next tune. I can't remember which station's jingle it was, but there was this couple who got on stage with the standard dancers in funny attire, then they sway to the fast beat of the jingle while desperately maintaining their grin, and then suddenly they started singing and when I was just about to 'enjoy' the tune it ended abruptly.

Anyway congratulations to those who won, and may you deserve it. I was happy to know that they won RM10,000 together with their beautiful trophy. I'm sure they can think of a lot of ways to utilise the money (I'm beginning to sound like a loser haha). BUT with us being Malaysians, and living in Bolehland, we tend to forget others who should also be given due recognition for their hardwork. I think their contribution far outshines any Anugerah Seri Angkasa's glitter. I was glad when I heard someone achieved 17 A's in the previous SPM and really good results in the STPM. But they didn't receive any trophy. And they were not celebrated with a grand extravaganza to the level of ASA. And most of all they were only awarded 10% of what the winners of ASA received in prize money.

What is our society turning into? Are 'graduates' from the entertainment industry more important and should be honoured more than their 'counterparts' from the academia? Is it because they entertain us while we are stuck in a jam? Is it because they make us laugh? Is it because their acting is so believable? And because of all their achievement we can keep a sane mind which then helps the nation progress further? Is this our direction for nation building? Or is it because the entertainment industry has a better cash flow than the education ministry therefore allowing them to give more instead of a RM1,000 prize money? I mean those who achieved straight A's should be recognized better...don't you think? Bolehland is a strange place nowadays...Boleh this..Boleh that...hmmm...Boleh Blah!

Issues about a car: the saga continues...

2005-02-28T08:59:00.000+08:00

This is one of those stories that takes a mouthfull to tell. To think that selling a car was going to be easy, i must have been naive. Next time I'm selling a car, I'm going to sell it off to a second hand car dealer. Less hassle, peace of mind. The first time i wrote about this issue was way back on January 4th.
Now its been 2 months and I still haven't received a single sen from the sale. The sad thing is, the ownership of the car has been transfered to the new owner! The problem I believe is with the bank that's handling the process. There's this person in the bank whom I will refer to as Aziz (not his real name) who has been causing me all this pain for the last 2 months. You see, on the day I submitted all the forms that was required for processing Aziz non-challantly announced "...dua minggu lagi abang check la akaun, duit masuk lagi dua minggu.." when I asked when will i receive my refund after his bank settles my outstanding loan.
That was on the 27th of December 2004. Last week I called Aziz up and Aziz told me "...kalau abang nak tunggu duit masuk baru nak bagi kereta kat owner baru (who can now claim that i stole the car) boleh jugak, ikut abang la senang cerita..." when i asked why didn't you just complete the process together (change ownership and refunding me). At his 'intelligent' remark I immediately let off everything that i've been holding back. Yes, I have been really patient..now Aziz was just getting on my nerves. I asked Aziz when can I have my money then, since you have conveniently transfered ownership without refunding me and Aziz's answer was again 'intelligent', "saya tak tahu la bang...". Aziz must have jerked his head when I shouted my reply later...(I hardly shout at strangers...but this takes the cake..).
I said "..you senang je cakap, senang cerita...apa yang you tahu? semua pun tak tahu? proses ni dah berapa lama you tahu? jawab la!!??" more or less what I yelled at him. And then he immediately hung up the phone. Too bad Aziz. But you started it. I was really patient to the point that some people even said, why are you letting him off the hook easily. You are too nice. Well Aziz (bukan nama sebenar), no more mister nice guy on my part. I'm gonna make sure you burn...

sleepy...drowsy...

2005-01-10T13:29:00.000+08:00

the weekend was spent hibernating. i never knew i could pull it off, but i did. for one whole day on sunday, it was like we were just living in a bunker. except for saturday where we went shopping, sunday was spent inside. even the cat spent most of the day inside with us, doing nothing other than having food and sleeping. the tv was switched on just for the sake of having some noise in the house, when in fact nobody bothered watching it. my wife has a right to be sleepy and hibernating. she's run down with a fever since friday. on saturday after shopping we went for her monthly check-up and the doctor gave her some medication for her flu and fever. that's why on Sunday she was sleeping most of the time. she swallowed one pill and slept she did. while I on the other hand didn't need any pill to achieve the same effect. looking at her and the cat sleeping was enough cause for me to do the same...

fatigue, learning and nostalgia...

2005-01-07T18:17:00.000+08:00

its good to know that no matter how bad things used to be, if we decide to move on and learn to adapt to new environments, we can remake ourselves and overcome anything. yet we can only learn to undo things that were not deemed appropriate or bad habits slowly. we take baby steps. some people are able to do it much quicker, but it seems that i am changing at a much slower pace..but changing nonetheless. i'm trying to figure out why i'm so tired lately. i used to be able to work all through the night and still be able to teach during the day. but nowadays, as soon as i reach home, eventhough i plan to do some work or catch up on my reading, it seems that the body refuses to comply. fatigue. i missed my dinner once or twice. i feel sorry for my wife, she cooked one night and when dinner was ready, she came over to me and there i was sleeping peacefully. she didn't wake me up because she know i was tired.

a friend told me it may be because i don't exercise. maybe its true. but i've yet to test the theory. a few days ago i was supposed to be playing futsal in the evening, but it was cancelled because something came up. apparently a friend of mine was involved in an accident. so i went to visit him. it was kind of bad. he had 10 stitches on his head. his hand was swollen. how it happened i asked? he was riding his kapcai in KL and was near the syariah court house when a taxi just forced him to the curb. he fell off his bike and passed out. when he woke up, he was in a cab which was taking him to HKL. and before i ended the visit, he reminded me to think twice about getting a bike...

its been a busy week. preparing final exam questions, conducting the first test, organizing debates, attending class...eventful week..i attended my ex-supervisor's class recently. it was like walking down memory lane. but how the perspective has changed. u don't attend the class because you need to complete the credit hours, but for the sake of learning...there are a lot of things that i can still learn from her...and i am learning...

yesterday i was also honored to know that my neighbour's (i.e. my ex-classmate) wife is now 13 weeks into her pregnancy...congratulations friend! let's hope that parenthood makes us more matured and better people. i know someone who's already having some fun becoming a dad...my wife is now into her 5th month...due this week we have to go for her monthly check-up...but she's a bit scared this time because she has to go for a blood test.

suddenly i just miss being a student again...i miss those long nights where you just stay up to read and analyze and synthesize and ponder what can you contribute to humanity....

20 days

2005-01-04T13:41:00.000+08:00

20 days. that's how long i've not posted on my blog. my last blog was 11 days before the events that has created mayhem and disorder in Asia's southern nations. families lost their members, displaced and disarrayed. buildings destroyed, livestocks killed, farm lands rendered useless. and now we are all trying to cope with what has happened. all of us are trying to ease the burden that the victims of the catastrophe have to shoulder.

within the past 20 days several things had happened in my life which i wanted to write about earlier but has put off since. number one. selling my car. i wanted to write a chronicle of everything that happened during the process. number two. the tsunami. number three. my UEP's wife is now hospitalised. she is suspected to have dengue fever.

so let's get to it. topic one. the thought of selling my car has been lingering on my mind even before i got married. i knew it was going to be the extra cost that i couldn't handle. so now, i've decided to sell it. therefor i acquired the service of a middleman to assist me in finding a buyer. in under a week a buyer was found and the car was shown to the prospectful buyer. they liked the look and feel of the car. didnt test drive the car though, i wonder why. and a week later they wanted to test drive and also agreed to my price. seems fine. then they bargained. i let them get their way, with a condition that i wont repair the car. they had a different idea. they wanted me to reduce the price AND repair the car. Okay...nevermind. so all is agreed to and they pay the deposit. and off i go to repair the car.

brought the car to a workshop and the mechanic says i need to change the mountings. so i look for the mountings elsewhere. bought them. asked the mechanic to fix them into my car. all in all plus the normal car maintenance i paid him RM80. but i was left with one more mounting. the biggest mounting which at the time when i bought the other two, it was not available. so the next day, i went back to the parts shop, and bought the remaining part which was ordered the previous day, and went to another workshop. this mechanic at the workshop looked so sure of himself. i should've read him better. i knew somehow in my gut that this snoop is going to foul up one way or the other. and sure enought he did. now after he installed the mounting into my car, i'm left with a stiff steering wheel that makes a funny sound when i turn it and also RM60 poorer. i'm tempted to go and ask him to look into the matter, but i fear if i do go there its going to be worst. i also went to an accessories workshop to have my windscreen and one of my lamps replaced. that left me with an increase in my credit card balance of about RM700. nevermind, i'm going to get back the money from my insurance.

so...i reduced the price of my car by about RM1500. then i repair my car, which covers basically the major repair works, and paid 700+60(which was shitty)+80+250(the cost of the mountings) and the amount of money that i have to fork out doesn't stop there. i also went to PUSPAKOM for an inspection of my car, which was required by the buyer's bank. and that cost RM40. so, you can say that i'm at the losing end here. so if this buyer of mine has any notion of saying that my car is not worth her buying later on, she's going to get a hell of a lot from me!

so what am i going to do with the money? buy myself a motorcycle. that's one of the way i thought off to reduce my monthly overhead. i'm just hoping the bike isn't going to be a mistake.

topic two. the tsunami. been collecting some video clips of the catastrophe. dont get me wrong. i dont like looking at people dying or drowning. but i am curious. and the videos show them all. how helpless we are against the force of nature. but at the same time how naive we are about it too. heard about the events from my auntie. not from the mass media. now that's really surprising. i thought they are supposed to be the front runners when it comes to news distribution. there's one video which i think was taken in penang. u see people were just staring at the waves. one guy even dared stay near the water. the first wave that hit him was nothing. the crowd that was looking at him mumbled their oohs and ahhss. but when the first of the big waves turned the daring guy over, with him crashing in the water, the crowd was happily laughing at him. when the second wave hit, no one was laughing anymore. everyone was running for their lives. we still have a long way to go...

looking at pictures of acheh is really disturbing. photos of corpses floating among debris, with bloated stomachs...its not an easy scene to handle. but the sad thing is, while the people of the world are desperately trying to assist the victims of the disaster, there are some people who just cant wait to take advantage of it. there are already cases of burglars going into houses of people who are believed to be dead. this happened in the netherlands. relatives of orphans pretending to care for them when in fact they are just after the money designated for the poor kids by the indian government. and some even dare claim that they are related to these orphans when they are not! there are also stories of looting in Malaysia. these are examples of people who are insensitive to their surroundings and other people's feelings. the feelings that matters most to them is their own. why do we have this sort of people amongst us?

topic three. i have yet to get more updates on my UEP's wife condition. all i know is that they are putting her through some test at the hospital. dengue has already taken the life of one of my friend. its a terrible disease which i hope doesn't befall the circle of people that i care about. therefore i pray that all is well in his household and i hope good news comes their way.

chocolates...

2004-12-15T11:31:00.000+08:00

on the way back home from work yesterday, i stopped at a gas station near the highway. why did i stop? it wasn't for gas. still had two trips more in the tank. it was the other tank that needed filling. i was thirsty. walked inside the store and went straight to the chiller. followed the guideline of selecting what you want first prior to opening the door, i found what i wanted. grabbed a bottle of gatorade and immediately went to the payment counter. but as i was walking towards it...something caught my attention...dunkin doughnuts...made a U-turn towards it instead. had to have one of those...they were really calling me "i'm delicious!..i'm creamy and sweet"...for 2 seconds i gave some serious thought about my expanding waist line. its still ok...i think i'm in good shape. so just having one wouldn't hurt. took one of those chocolate doughnuts...close the door...but...one more would be better...2 for the road i guess...

made the payment, went back into the car...just wished i had tunnel vision earlier, "go towards the chiller ONLY..ignore other products..!" so much for that happening. started my journey back home again while happily munching those lovelies...yum..can't get enough of them. felt like a kid. the driver of the car next to me looked towards me..i noticed, but i didn't look back..so what? i love chocolates!

tranquil white...

2004-12-14T11:43:00.000+08:00

nothing much happened early in the day except for the fact that it seems its becoming a habit of me to wake up early in morning at 4AM. it's become a welcomed surprise in fact. but maybe its a sign of old age catching up. some of my uncles mentioned it once. elder people need less and less sleep. should i take that as an indication? anyway, waking up early has its benefits. one things for sure, its more peaceful. i woke up this morning and did some reading. its been awhile since i did some serious reading, and then taking notes and compiling them. and at that time, it was easy. no distracting sound. no 'mat rempit' making noise with their bikes without proper exhaust system. total tranquility. not just that, it seems you become more focused at work too.

maybe the brain is just like a car engine. you have to let it warm up for a few minutes in the morning before you start your journey to work. sticking with this routine might help prevent a 'morning brain shock' when coming to work, or even when you get stuck in traffic. maybe people who have road rage in the morning is due to the fact that they got out of bed late. the alarm screaming in their ears...waking up still feeling a bit tired, and the shirt is yet to be ironed, "...where's my trouser's?", "i need breakfast..", "oh my look at the time...i'm going to be late..." will be the standard dialogue plus the compulsary cursing and swearing of course.

while driving to work today i saw something that i haven't seen for quite some time. at 7:15am, along the highway near where i live, there was mist...white..tranquil mist...what a lovely sight...last time i saw that view was at my in-laws house. and it was no surprise because they lived in a remote area surrounded by hills and lush greenery. but seeing it occur here, was fantastic. in a location where heavy development is occuring, some of nature's beauty can still be found.

Grey matters

2004-12-13T10:54:00.000+08:00

the events of last thursday and friday taught me a lot about being a man. stand up for your right, stand up and face your fears and guilt. never run away and be a chicken. whatever it is, i believe it's on the way to being settled. and at least i would be able to sleep better from now on. today is another new week. third week. same old same old. anyway we have some people coming in today, monitoring our teaching methods. well, i hope it wont raise an issue with anyone here. i try to make ends meet.

i dont usually like to lecture students on what they should do and what they shouldn't do and appear like a strict father to them rather than a friend. but today i guess a little tongue lashing might do some good to them. but it didnt quite end up the way i wanted it to be. instead they became more afraid of me in a way. and i didn't like that one bit. oh well...i'm always hoping for some sort of miracle...

lately my mind is always pre-occupied with some other matters. especially since the shock i received last thursday...i keep forgetting things. that's why i had to immediately settle the problem so that my mind wouldn't be bogged down with unneccessary issues. i've read somewhere that if you are overly anxious or maybe under too much stress, you can easily be forgetful. i have no doubt that what's written on that topic is true. so true that when i'm worried i tend to forget where i place things. for instance today, i thought i left my newspaper on my desk. when i came back to the office after class it was missing. immediately in my mind i blamed my room mate for the lost. but when i calmed down and thought further i might have just left it in the car. but i'm not as sure yet because i've yet to confirm it. nonetheless i believe it wasn't in my room to begin with. anyhow that's only an example from thousands of other examples i could come up with.

i've even missed junctions while driving somewhere because i let my mind drift. it just takes a couple of seconds of the brain performing a re-run in my mind. enough for me to get myself in a dangerous situation. once i almost hit a biker because my mind was drifting. it's even happened to me while i was riding a motorcycle. absent-mindedness. i'm not yet at an age where i'm allowed to be forgetful, but i'm already facing some of the horrors...oh well..life's like that i presume....

Black spot

2004-12-09T10:40:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since i checked my letter box. went there today. opened it and found a letter that was posted a week ago. looked pretty normal. opened it up and my heart skipped a beat. now i'm sweating. my heart is pumping wildly. and i was in a middle of a break between classes. suddenly i just lost all my courage to go back to class. the contents wasn't something that i didn't expect, but the reality hits you hard in the face.

i always tell my students, that if you were going to make any mistakes in your life, you have to admit to doing them, correct them, apologize and live with it. after all what's done is done, whatever the decision was is already in the pass. accepting the consequences we must. be firm. steadfast. when we feel and decide on changing our bad habits, we have to make amendments and come face to face with the damage that we had commited. i believe it is my time. there are no easy way out to any problem, whether the problem manifested on its own or is a result of our own doing. but there is a way out. and its my chance to prove it to myself and everyone else that i haven't lost my credibility and ability that a lot of other people see in me.

called my wife. listening to her speak just soothes the mind about to go wild. my paranoia slowly subsided. i needed her consoling and caring voice to help me muster my courage to go back into class and then face my demons after that. no matter how adult we try to be, sometimes we become children wanting some love to be showered on us in trying times. felt like a child for awhile. but just for awhile. when the call was over, reality sinks in. i know what i have to do. be myself.

Blue?

2004-12-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

not wearing blue today, i wore blue yesterday. yesterday we had this hari raya celebration at the office. everyone participated(almost).everybody was invited. I thought of wearing baju melayu for the occassion but decided against it early in the morning while getting ready for work. i just picked what ever was already ironed by my wife. just too lazy to do the ironing nowadays...anyway i was in a hurry. was also speeding on the highway. floored to 140km. hope i didn't get caught in the act.

gave one of my class their first quiz. didn't actually catch them by surprise. expecting most of them being able to answer the question. would be a bit dissapointed if some of them couldn't. but its ok.

today's class was alive. most of the time i made some stupid jokes that i think even a goat wouldn't laugh. but they obliged. predictable. whatever it takes to keep the class from getting bored. maybe they did find it as funny. i sure thought it was. but its okay if it wasn't. it doesn't matter. thought of giving them a quiz today. but I didn't prepare any. so maybe they'll get a taste of it on friday. its not even 11:30 and i'm already thinking of lunch. just had nasi lemak for breakfast. checked on my waist last night, not surprisingly i've grown by 1.5 inches. potentially i'm looking at a pot belly in the making. oh hell. as long as my wife still loves me. what if she doesn't? i doubt that. but to be safe, i think i'll jog off some of that fat on sundays.

one of my colleague wants to go for breakfast at 11am. i think i'll join him. then maybe lunch with my usual partner. later.

Yellow? Beige?

2004-12-06T10:40:00.000+08:00

new week. second week for the new semester actually. and what's new? the color of the wall in my office. last week the guy who's supposed to paint the walls came and ask whether i wanted the room to be painted. I told him i just wanted the door to be painted. thought that was the last of it, but come monday (today) the whole room was painted. I didn't mind the color, yellow anyway (or is it beige?) but I just couldn't stand the smell. you know you've got cheap paint on your walls just from the smell of it. I don't think I could last longer staying in the room...might just leave for awhile and hope by the time I get back its going to be fine. By the way what's wrong with post-it notes nowadays? it's not actually sticking as its supposed to.

thinking about throwing a couple of quizes this week, just to see whether I could actually catch my students off-guard. I can see how bored some of them are when they are in my class. I just wish one of these days I get to sit in one of my colleagues classes and see how the students are handling it.

going for lunch now, then off to the bank. later.

Transparent

2004-12-04T10:50:00.000+08:00

its a new day, don't really feel that tired. got up early well within the 6:00am to 6:30am range. kissed my wife on the forehead and had a shower. cold start. always that way. wish the water heater was working. traffic wasn't so bad. still made it in time before the clock chimed 8. checked email and there were some messages that was delivered after I left work yesterday and it was urgent. also always like that. complied with what was needed. hope its not much of a hassle if it was a bit late.

reading some of my students first assignments. quite an improved lot I have this time around. willing to participate in any discussion initiated. that's how its supposed to be. but not all of them are willing to change. some still stick to the 'hey i'm anonymous in this class...i'm invisible' routine. I can only say one thing to that, good luck!

class starts at 10:30. have to go settle some matters before that, maybe have breakfast along the way. hoping that the students would be ready with their assignments which i requested 2 days ago. routine as always.

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have to clear a few of my 'procastinated' work. dont want to get myself in the red. later.

Brand new day?

2004-12-03T10:35:00.000+08:00

First blog, second attempt. Didn't like the first one. Called it quits. Starting a fresh one. This is it.It makes no difference, because I am still the same person. But this time, I feel like throwing away a lot more of the mask I used in the first blog. This time its going to be about me.

Like how tired sometimes I feel going to work, how by the end of each day you feel like running over the first cat you see. The feeling is not a result of the nature of work. Its about traffic. Yesterday i faced one of the worst traffic jams I've ever got my ass into. And it made me arrive late to work, and then having to put up a brave face saying how sorry I was that I couldn't have arrived earlier eventhough I left home early. And the knowledge of how wimpish and how miserable I was at explaining myself made it no better. I know most of my students don't appreciate it at all that I was late. I was supposed to be the role model when it comes to timeliness, and there I was...LATE! So now I can't actually say or tell them that they have to send in their assignments on time anymore because I gave them a bad impression on the first day of class. That's how things happen I guess, you can't be in control of everything. When you think the LDP was dependable...it bites you in the arse when you least expect it.

Nevermind that. But that's part of it, my intention of being open, no more hiding behind too many layers of masks anymore. Telling the truth is always the best policy. Now I'm going to try and implement it as best as i could.

New semester. Students coming back for more lectures and (good intention) tongue-lashing and of course the desire to gain knowledge. Also as usual, they skip the first class. But luckily this time around not many did that. Some still think its a honeymoon. Its okay. Started the course immediately. Lecturing on the introduction part. A lot of boring theories and historical background. 2 hours later, and they leave the class either full of theoretical facts or still the same amount of knowledge or lack of it when they came in earlier. Then its about preparing some notes and making their name list. Getting ready the mark sheet to insert their marks.

I still remembered something one of my lecturers (back when I was studying) told me then. He said most of you did not come here to learn anything, but were just here to play games. And further explained that the game you are playing (only interested in scoring high marks instead of being educated) will not make a better man out of you. I wanted to say the same words to my students. But I guess they were just too engrossed in it, that I decided against it.

Public University. Its fun to be working here. A lot of opportunity to learn and grow. Many chances of making new acquaintances from different fields as your own. Teaching and learning at the same time. But every work place has its fair share of nightmares. But for once, I don't have much to complain, if any they are so minor that I just brush it off away. I like working here, surrounded by students and colleagues alike.